We have a kitchen garden at home. We grow seasonal vegetables such as peas, tomatoes, lettuce etc. My mother asked me this morning to go get some peas as they’re about to go bad. I moved, reluctantly (I didn’t want to stop reading what my friends did last night on facebook). Anyway, I went there and started plucking. There were a mix of crops. Some of them were already withered while others were quite young. Some pods didn’t even have peas. I paused for a second; should I leave the ones that are still young and take only ripe ones? Then again, Who cares? She did say they were all going to wither soon, I might as well collect them all. I did.
She was furious. She said I didn’t have the common sense to leave the young ones, how could I be so careless? I was surprised. But you said they’re gonna wither in a few days. What was I supposed to do? You can guess what happened next. She stopped talking to me for an hour.
At first I thought I was just doing what I was told. It wasn’t my fault that she didn’t clarify which ones to pluck. I tried to justify this thought. I tend to overthink (apparently not about plucking lol) and I went through the whole series of I am right. This is just the way I am to I don’t deserve anything in life, I don’t know anything and I’m gonna die alone.
This pattern of thinking has been repeating in my life lately. I decided to go deep in that. Why is it so? Why do I feel worthless? I thought it is because I don’t have a job (I study and create online content but that doesn’t count right?). Okay but I know I chose this life. I knew I won’t earn money for a while. I do enjoy my work and my folks are good people. Then what is the problem?
The problem is, I think I am worthless. It is not that anybody says it, but I have created this aura around myself that I don’t know anything and I can’t learn. I stop trying early because I think it wouldn’t work out anyway. Why I think this way? Because I’m afraid of the future. Yep, that’s it. When I think about where I would be in 3 years, 5 years or even a year from now, I don’t see anything. SCARY.
It is scary because I don’t know where I will be or what I’ll be doing in the future. I am uncertain. It is reasonable to think you are not going anywhere if you really aren’t. However, it is not like anyone knows. Nobody can be certain of where they’ll be a year or more from now. We cannot control the future. At the most we have an idea of where we want to be.
For me, it is a bit more uncertain since I don’t have a concrete idea of where I want to be. I have some ideas, but not a clear picture. Since I don’t have major responsibilities, I have more free space in that future. I can fill it up with whatever I want, but I have to take full responsibility for it. I have a blank slate and I get to write what I want but if it goes wrong I can’t blame anybody. But I can take responsibility, at least for myself. I CAN do that. I can decide who I want to be. I’m scared because I have not tried.
It was not an epiphany per se but a change of perspective. All I have to do is get more experience. If I had plucked vegetables before, I wouldn’t have done the mistake. It is true that I don’t know much, but I can learn.
Learning requires association with previous knowledge. Previous knowledge requires experience.
Experience comes when you do things. And we can always do things. It doesn’t matter if we fail, we get experience nonetheless. The key is to get off your ass and start moving in the direction of your goals. You never regret action. You regret inaction. So that is what I’m going to do. I’m going to pluck different vegetables every once in awhile. The worst I’ll get is my mum’s scolding. Not a bad deal. I’m going to try.
As I am writing my post, my mother is mumbling to herself about something. She seems to have calmed down. She is calling me to help her with carrots. Okay bye.
p.s. Look what she did. She cut off young pods and added them to the stir fry. I chopped the carrots. Looks delicious right!
If she can make it work with a bunch of peas, I can certainly work with myself.