I am sitting here in the conflict of what should be and what could be. I always dreamt of a life in sync with my values. I was so sure of what my values were, I thought I knew what I wanted. A partner, a career, and healthy relationship with my family. Then I entered this world. It is familiar in the sense that I had seen it from afar and always longed to be a part but it feels so different now that I am here. I wanted assurance, I wanted to be in my bubble. This world has burst that bubble. It has opened my eyes to what could be and now I can’t seem to go back.
I am stuck somewhere in between with both sides presenting their case, making their point. There is no right or wrong, it is a question of what I really want. I still want the same things, but I don’t know what those things mean, the details. Do I want to live here or abroad? Do I want a career in research or run a business of my own? I don’t know what side I am on. I don’t know how to translate my values to a feasible lifestyle. I could do the traditional, lead the life I imagined before I came here. That has security and I know how to handle it. But I no longer know if I want to. The other life, the one that could be, is also full of things that I have accepted and I know how to lead. It has a wild side to it, it hasn’t been tested. I don’t know how that would turn out. It can damage me in ways that leave me very different person. But then again, the traditional is like a slow poison. I don’t know what to choose.
After countless sleepless nights, I have decided to give up control. I am not in a position to make a decision and I am not supposed to. I would rather sit here in silence and observe, do what I do best. I will take life as it comes. Let life be the endless string of small decisions rather than one big one that paralyzes me. I shall let time decide what course to take. I will let the battle go on.